Absence Of Fear
by Lockhart
Summary: When a deranged patient holds the lives of three ER members in his hands, can the team pull together in time to save their friends?
1. Eye Of The Storm

Absence Of Fear  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Eye Of The Storm  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters, it's just wishful thinking. This is a fanfic based on spoilers I read ages ago for the last few episodes of Season 8, I don't know if this will actualy happen but I thought it would make an interesting read. So please let me know what you think, feedback greatly appreciated, enjoy!!  
  
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Susan rubbed the temple of her forehead irritably as she stared blankly out of the window. Her head was pounding from a constant sharp pain, due to the amount of tears she had shed over the past couple of days. Tears of pain, tears of agony, tears from the loss of a dear friend. As she sat in a half empty carriage of the El, she heard Kerry's words echo a thousand times over in her head.  
  
'I'm so sorry Susan, Mark passed away about an hour ago'  
  
Even now, days after Mark Greene's death, those words simply made no sense in Susan's confused and distraught mind. How could he be dead? How? It simply wasn't possible to think about a world where the man didn't exist anymore. A world where he was simply a fond memory in the back of people's minds. Even though Susan had become well aware of the extent to Mark's illness she had never even dared to imagine that he would lose his fight for survival. She had spent nights praying that he would recover from this brain tumor like he had previously done. Sadly those prayers had not been answered, and now Mark Greene was gone.......forever. Susan wrapped her leather handbag tightly around the shoulder of her light blue shirt and stepped outside onto the El platform. The warm rays of sunshine immediately hit her body, bringing much loved warmth and heat. Tucking a strand of her shirt blonde hair behind her ear, she began walking slowly to the hospital. She was in no rush thought o reach her headed destination, the workplace would only bring back painful memories of her departed friend. Shieliding her eyes from the intense sunlight with a newspaper which she used as a visor, Susan remembered the fond memories they had shared before she had left for Phoenix. The nights they spent shaing a pizza at her flat, the problems they had shared with one another, the times he had lent help to her concerning her neice Susie. He had been such a dear friend, so trustworthy and caring. She loved him, not in the way he had once loved her, but deep down she most certainly did have a soft spot for the man. And today she would have to help bury the great doctor, the great man she loved.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Elizabeth stroked tiny Ella's small lock of silky, smooth hair and hummed a peaceful lullaby to help her sleep. She was all Ella had now. Elizabeth smiled as she saw the resemblance of her late husband in the young infant. She was thankful to have a reminder of the wonderful man that she could love and cherish forever. But life simply wasn't the same anymore without him there by her side. It was the simple things she missed the most. Like making breakfast together, taking the El to work together, having someone to cuddle on a cold, winter's night. She missed his companionship, his warmth, his humour and most of all his love. They hadn't exactly been getting on well recently, what with his problematic teenage daughter Rachel and Ella's accidental overdose but his illness had brought them together again. The last few months had made the couple grow stronger and realise how much they did truly love one another. Now he was gone, and she could never hold him or kiss him again. Her life seemed so empty without Mark, a part of her went with him when he died. She had always believed that there was one person out there for everyone, a soulmate. And four days ago she had just lost her soulmate. Forever.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Don't come near me, I don't want you to touch me" the male patient protested as Kerry tried her best to examine him.  
  
"David, we're not trying to hurt you" Abby tried her best to calm the agitated man down. "You came to us complaining of sickness and headaches, Dr Weaver is just trying to help you"  
  
"I'm not ill, I'm perfectly alright" David snapped. "You're lying to me, you want to harm me"  
  
"David we're not trying to harm you, I need to know what's wrong with you so we can help you" Kerry replied.  
  
"Don't touch me!" he screamed as Kerry placed her stethoscope over his chest. "I told you I don't need your help!"  
  
"Okay, okay" the female doctor nodded as she removed her gloves and motioned Abby to follow her to reception. "Give him 5 of Haldol and page Psych down here stat" she ordered.  
  
"Do you want him put in restraints?" the nurse asked as she filled out the chart she was holding tightly in her hands.  
  
"No but keep a close eye on him till DeRaad gets down here. If you need me I'l be in Exam 2"  
  
"Okay" Abby sighed deeply as she ran a hand through her tangled hair and placed the chart on the desk. Call it a gut feeling, but she simply knew that this case wouldn't be as easy it seemed. Nothing ever was that easy in life, she knew all about that throughout the past year or so. Whenever one problem in her complicated life was solved, another would simply appear. From her divorce, her mother's mental instability, her battle with alcohol, her relationship with Luka to her recent assault, her life seemed to have more twists and turns than a rollercoaster. But one major problem that never seemed to disappear was her battle to hide her feelings from Carter.........  
  
"You okay Abby?" a gentle voice broke her out of her deep thoughts.  
  
"Um......sure" the female nurse replied politely as she looked up to see John's concerned face. She could swear her face was turning the shade of beetroot........  
  
"You looked deep in thought, anything troubling you at all?" he asked handing her a mug of steaming, warm coffee.  
  
"Oh thanks, I need this" she smiled as she gratefully took hold of the mug and allowed the heat of the freshly made drink to rise into her small face. "Working a double shift today, just my luck eh?"  
  
"You didn't answer my question Abby"  
  
"Oh I'm fine John" she chuckled nervously. "Just a little tired that's all"  
  
"Okay I believe you" the male doctor threw his hands aside and grabbed a chart from the reception desk. "Sickness and diahorrea in exam three, I just get all the fun cases" he laughed before turning to walk away.  
  
"Yeh have fun" Abby replied sarcastically.  
  
"Abby" John called as he turned around suddenly. "You know I'm always here if you want to talk about anything. I know we haven't exactly seen a great deal of each other recently what with me and......."  
  
"What with you and Susan" Abby interrupted sharply. She didn't dislike the woman as she couldn't say she particulary knew her that well, but the nurse couldn't help feeling rather envious of her relationship with the handsome John Carter. Deep down Abby knew the same feelings she had for him last year still remained there and would probably never leave. It hurt to see his and Susan's public displays of affection in and around the hospital but what could she exactly do about it? She had told John how she felt but he had refused to believe she was over Luka. The truth was though that she had never ever truly loved Luka, instead always feeling attracted to the man she had built up such a good friendship with since uncovering his drug addiction.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"Yes I know I can always talk to you" she finally replied whilst smiling politely.  
  
John walked away with the impression she was hiding something from him. He had known the woman long enough to realise when something was on her mind. He had known for long enough to now have the ability to read Abby Lockhart like a book. She was such an extraordinary woman, so different yet so enchanting. He would be lying to himself if he said he felt no attraction to her whatsoever. But what  
  
exactly could he do about it? He was in a relationship with Susan and he felt Abby was still not completely over Luka yet. Abby simply didn't appear to love him as much as he loved her. If she had loved him she would have said so when he poured his heart out to her by the riverside on that fateful day when a mad gunman was on the loose. She didn't though, she went back to Luka. She only came to him when her relationship with the Croatian came to a halt. What hurt though was John still couldn't seem to remove the nurse from his mind. She was always in his daily thoughts, he always worried about her well-being. It wasn't as though he didn't love Susan because he did. She just wasn't Abby Lockhart though.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Dr Weaver!" Abby shouted the doctor's name as she ran over to where the red headed physician stood.  
  
"Excuse me a minute" Kerry excused herself from the patient's side and limped over to the female nurse. "Abby, what's so urgent?"  
  
"It's Mr Young........."  
  
"Mr Young?"  
  
"The patient we're waiting for a psych consult on" Abby explained quickly. "He's been sick again twice and his mental status is altered"  
  
"Did you page DeRaad again?" Kerry asked.  
  
"I did but he's still not responsding to his page"  
  
"Okay I need to find Lewis concerning another patient, but get this man is restraints immediately. Go up to psych and find DeRaad or anyone else and bring them down here. I'll be back in a minute, okay?"  
  
"Okay" Abby noded as she headed off to find help. Just a gut feeling...........  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Okay Louise you can go once the bag of saline has finished" Susan sighed as she gestured to the IV the teenage girl was hooked up to. "I'll check back in about twenty minutes" she continued before walking quickly towards the elevators.  
  
"Susan!" Kerry yelled at the top of her voice as she managed to squeeze into the elevator beside the female medic and a tall, young looking male before the elevator doors shut abruptly.  
  
"Need something Kerry?" Susan asked as she shifted a pile of charts from one hand to the other as she pressed the fourth floor button.  
  
"Did you see a patient today, late 40's, a Mr Brians?"  
  
"Yeh, he came in this morning complaining of every single pain imaginable, a real hypercondriact" Susan chuckled.  
  
"Well he's in the cath lab right now undergoing an angioplasty after a near fatal MI" Kerry placed her hand on her hip in a sign of annoyance and anger. "Why didn't you get an EKG and cardiac enzymes?"  
  
"He never complained of any chest pains, ear ache, stomach pains, headache.......but no chest pains"  
  
"Susan you are an attending, I expect you to set good examples to our residents and students" Kerry argued, frustrated at the other doctor's careless mistake. "This man nearly died today!"  
  
"I'm not listening to this" Susan shook her head and sighed loudly, reaching her hand over to the controls of the elevator. "Ever since I arrived back at County you've been waiting for a chance to show me up. I don't have to take this crap from you Kerry, I'm a good doctor!" Before she could press the stop button, a sharp blow to the head brought her down to the ground. Forcing her eyes open through a wave of overpowering dizziness, she managed to catch a glimpse of a man standing abover her, glutching a gun in his right hand.  
  
"Just shut up and stay down!" he warned her viciously before pointing the gun towards Kerry. "We're going up to the roof of this building, don't try to escape, or I'll shoot........"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Author's Notes: So what is going to happen to Susan and Kerry? Who is this man holding them hostage, what does he want? Will Carter and Abby finally realise how each other truly feel? Tell me if ou want another chapter, feedback always welcome!! 


	2. Bridge Over Troubled Waters

Absence Of Fear  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Bridge Over Troubled Waters  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own ER or any of the characters. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, feedback was very encouraging so thanks!! Sorry this chapter is a bit late, but it's finally here, so enjoy!!!  
  
Kerry stood motionless, staring into the darkening sky above her. The cool, light breeze blew the strands of her red hair across her eyes, but she remained quiet and somber. This couldn't possibly be happening to her, it had to be a horrible dream. That's right, this is just a nightmare, she thought, glancing up at an equally quiet Susan Lewis. Just a bad dream, that's all. And in a few minutes time I'll wake up and it will all be over. Yet Kerry knew it was just wishful thinking. This wasn't simply a bad dream, this was reality. She looked nervously across at the man holding them hostage, he looked so normal, just like an ordinary person. Why did he want to keep them here on the rooftop? For what reason did he threaten the two female doctors with a gun? This was like a scene from a movie or a television programme, not an actual event of Dr Kerry Weaver's life. Gripping her crutch even tighter than usual, she looked nervously back over at Susan who exchanged her anxious glance. Kerry couldn't ever remember feeling frightened, certainly not the kind of fear and trepidation she was experiencing at the moment. She was usually such a calm and composed woman, always in charge of her own life, her own destiny. Yet here she stood on the rooftop of the hospital she worked in, facing a clearly deranged man clutching a gun. Her eyes lingered for a minute at the small weapon he held in his right hand. It was such a small piece of equipment, hard to imagine it could cause so much damage. After years of owrking in the ER she had lost count of how many times she had seen the damage it could easily cause. Would she end up like her patients, bleeding profuriously from wounds, dying because of a bullet shot right through the brain? No, she forced herself to think as she shut her eyes tightly. I will not show any fear in front of this man. I am much stronger than that.  
  
"Why are you doing this?" Susan's voice echoed clearly, finally breaking the silence upon the rooftop. "What do you want from us?"  
  
"This is revenge" David replied in a quiet, harsh tone, his face betraying no emotion at all.  
  
"Revenge for what?" Susan asked, feeling a slight chill travel down her spine as she awaited his answer.  
  
"You, her, the nurse, you were all going to lock me up. You were all planning on hurting me. I......I needed to protect myself, I needed revenge" he spoke angrily, waving the gun insanely in the air.  
  
"We just want to help you" Kerry shook her head in a motherly fashion, finally realising that this was the psych patient she had treated earlier with Abby's assistance. "We don't want to hurt you though, we just want to help you"  
  
"Don't lie!" he screamed, pressing his lips together in a look of irritation. "You were going to lock me up, so now I have to hurt you"  
  
"Just let us go David" Susan pleaded with the man, taking a couple of deep breaths before walking towards him. "We're needed down in the ER, we would be letting a lot of people down if we weren't allowed to finish our shifts. Sooner or later people will realise we're missing, that means you'll get into a lot of trouble"  
  
"Don't talk to me as though I'm a little child!" David roared, pointing the gun in Kerry's direction. "Don't come any closer or I'll shoot your friend"  
  
Susan was silent for a moment as she studied him closely. He was broad- faced with large, muscualer shoulders and dark hair that hung heavily over his brow. A thin moustache was visible on hislips as she noticed how his emerald eyes seemed to burn with fury.  
  
"Please let us go" Kerry tried to speak as calmly as possible, her hand trembling as she held onto her crutch tightly.  
  
"Just shut up.......shut up, shut up!" he screamed insanely, physically jerking his head from side to side. Kerry felt the skin crawl on her neck as she finally realised the true extent to the man's psychological problems. He was quite prepared to take her and Susan's lives away from them, and there was absolutely nothing the two female doctors could do to stop him. He held their every breath in the palm of his hands, their very fate depended on his actions. His actions.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Elizabeth lifted Ella carefully out of the pram and held her tightly in the comfort of her arms, rocking her back and forth to help stop the tiny infant crying. She was far too young to understand what was happening today, to understand they were burying her father. The female surgeon squeezed back the tears as she realised Ella would grew up without a father, grow up without the presence of the man she cherished with all her heart. Staring blankly into the corner of the church, she wished she could turn back the clock. Make up for all the months she spent arguing with him regarding Rachel, the months she spent apart from him living in a cheap hotel. When he was dying she hid from him in a hotel near the hospital with their baby daughter. Why didn't he tell her the truth, why did he choose to keep the painful truth to himself? Why did he choose to tell Susan he was dying before speaking to his wife? He was tring to protect you, Robert had told her. Perhaps he had been, Mark selflessly put others needs before his own. Wiping away a lone tear that slowly slid down her pale cheeks, Elizabeth cleared her throat and looked away from the dark corner she was focusing on. I have to be strong, she told herself, the words echoing through her mind. For Ella's sake at least. Gently rocking her daughter back and forth, the English woman concentrated on a vase of beautiful white lilies that sat at the front of the church. Lilies, the first type of flower Mark bought her. It was hard to imagine that over a year ago they had stood in this very church to exchange wedding vows, to pledge their love for another in front of family and friends. Now she sat here in the front pew waiting to bury her husband. Life could be so cruel at times.  
  
"Dr Corday?" a male voice interrupted her thoughts as she turned around to see John standing beside her.  
  
"John" she nodded, acknowledging his presence.  
  
"Have you noticed Susan anywhere? She said to meet me here over half an hour ago yet I can't seem to find her anywhere"  
  
"If she said she will be here, she will be here" Elizabeth replied coldly. She still resented the fact that Susan hid the truth from her regarding Mark's illness, but a part of her wanted the woman to be there at his funeral. She was a valued friend to him, they had to unite with one another and share their grief. But the situation puzzled her, where exactly was Susan?  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Frank do you know if a Mr David Young has been discharged?" Abby asked the male desk clerk as she leaned against the reception desk, clutching her patient's chart at her chest. Dr DeRaad had finally arrived for the psych consult she had been awiting for the past half an hour but the patient had seemed to have vanished, worrying the young nurse.  
  
"Not as far as I know" Frank shook his head as he answered the telephone that rang loudly beside him.  
  
"That's strange........" Abby muttered as she tucked a strand of her dark hair behind her ear. "Haleh, did you move a Mr Young to another room?" she questioned the passing nurse.  
  
"No" Haleh answered as she placed a handful of charts on the reception desk beside them. "Have you seen Weaver anywhere, double trauma coming in, ETA's ten minutes away"  
  
"Well maybe Kerry took my missing patient up to psych herself" Abby bit her lower lip as she placed her hand on her hip. "It's just a little strange though"  
  
"Abby, where's Dr Lewis?" Frank called over as he held the telephone away from his ear, a male voice talking loudly at the other end.  
  
"No, I thought she was leaving at one o'clock to attend Dr Greene's funeral"  
  
"Well she's not at the church" Frank shrugged his shoulders before resuming his conversation to the male at the other end of the line.  
  
"I'm going to try and find Weaver" Abby mumbled to herself as she walked briskly towards the stairs. Not only was it strange that three people had suddenly disappeared, but she was also worried about David's mental status and of the possibility he could pose as a danger to others. It was just a gut feeling...........  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Susan glanced down at the gold watch on her wrist, she was currently missing Mark's funeral, missing out on the chance to say goodbye to her dear friend. The female attending tried her best not to think about the fact that she might die today. That these could very well be her last moments in this wonderful world, the future might never come. Her throat felt as dry as a desert despite her best efforts to stay as calm as possible. If these were going to be her last moments on earth she certainly didn't want to spend them being scared.  
  
"You don't have to do this David" Kerry's voice could be heard as Susan looked up at the red headed woman. "I know you don't want to hurt us"  
  
David opened his mouth and laughed, walking menacingly towards the Chief of the ER. "Oh but I do" he smiled, his evil grin growing more psychotic by the second. His dark hair glittered with sweat as he brushed it away from his forehead with one sweep of his hand. Kerry suddenly felt a wave of nausea she had never experienced in the comoany of another human. This man was evil, if she had the chance to strangle him with her bare hands she would.  
  
"You won't be saving any more patients now doc" he laughed, pointing the gun straight at Kerry's abdomen.  
  
"Please don't hurt me" she begged, trembling with fear for the safety of her life. She looked directly into the man's eyes, a tunnel of endless darkness. "Please, I'm begging you, just let me go"  
  
"No" he spat pressing the weapon he clutched against her stomach. "I have to kill you, they're telling me to"  
  
"Who?" Susan asked, shuffling her feet timidly towards him. "Who is telling you to kill us?"  
  
"Them!" he raised his voice ever so slightly.  
  
"Who, tell us who?"  
  
"The voices" David finally answered after a long pause of ackward silence. "I didn't want to bring you up here, but the voices ordered me to. They are making me do this"  
  
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to" Susan continued to speak in a calm, soothing tone, hoping to ease his anger. "We can help the voices disappear David. We want to help you, but first you have to let us go, please"  
  
David nodded as he took a step backwards, moving the gun away from Kerry's body and placing it by his side. Susan smiled at him as he continued to nod at all, understanding her words. As a gentle breeze blew in their direction, the silence was broken by the sudden bleeping of Dr Lewis's pager. David's face twisted with fury as a gun shot was suddenly fired. Not once but twice............  
  
Author's Notes: So has Kerry and Susan been shot, will they survive, what will happen to David, will Carter and co find them in time? Tell me if you want another chapter, feedback very welcome!! 


	3. A Cry In The Dark

Absence Of Fear  
  
Chapter 3  
  
A Shot In The Dark  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own ER or any of the characters. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, feedback was very encouraging so thanks!! I want to apologise for how late this chapter is, I've just finished exams so I was occupied with studying etc. But I know a lot of people have been waiting for this chapter, so here it finally is, enjoy!!!  
  
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Kerry instinctively placed her hand on top of her abdomen, the overpowering pain rushing through every vein in her body. Her breathing grew rapid as she removed her hand from her painful abdomen, only to be met with the horrifing sight of her own blood dripping from her long, slender fingers.  
  
"Oh god" she whispered in between her quick breaths, releasing her unsteady grip of her crutch and collapsing to the ground in a fit of tears and intense pain. She had been shot. Shot, it seemed so unreal. Less than an hour ago she had been suturing a little girl's hand, now she lay bleeding to death on the cold, wet concrete ground of the hospital's rooftop. "Susan" she croaked, her throat as dry as a desert.  
  
"I'm here Kerry" the female doctor rushed to the injured woman's side. "I'm here"  
  
"Where's.....Da......"  
  
"He's gone" Susan tried to remain as calm as possible. "Just try and stay awake Kerry, just keep talking, we're going to be okay, everything will be fine" she reassured the Chief. "It'll be fine"  
  
"Oh god" Kerry winced in pain, grimacing as she tried in vain to move her weak body.  
  
"Don't move" Susan ordered as she pressed her hand against the bleeding wound. "Just stay focused Kerry, stay awake" Susan closed her eyes and sighed quietly. She had to stay strong for Dr Weaver, had to think quickly if she wanted to save the woman's life.  
  
"It....hurts....god it..hurts" the red headed woman whispered through shallow breaths, the pain growing stronger and stronger with every breath she took. Focusing her eyes on the dark skies above, she willed the pain to go away through clenched teeth. It felt as though a thousand needles were continously stabbing her abdomen. It felt like hell on earth.  
  
"Kerry, I have to go find help" Susan spoke quickly, looking down on the bleeding woman with concerned eyes.  
  
"No...no Susan" Kerry shook her head with a look of panic on her face. "Don't leave"  
  
"I have to find help, I'll be back" Susan stood up and removed her hand from Kerry's abdomen. The wound bled profuriously as Susan suddenly realised Kerry was too weak to apply pressure and reduce the bleeding. By the time she found help, the shot doctor could be dead.  
  
"Here we'll use this" Susan referred to her lab coat as she removed the item of clothing and pressed it tightly against the wound. "I'll page John, they'll come find us, we'll be okay. I promise"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Abby tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear and began to climb up the stairs to the rooftop. The ER was pretty quiet now so the young nurse had decided it was a good time to take a well-deserved break. Gripping a plastic cup of coffee in one hand, she held onto the banister with the other and climbed one stair at a time. The rooftop was always a good place to think, peaceful and quiet. Sometimes she would just sit and watch the clouds in the skies, deep in thought and worry. It didn't matter what day she came up here on, her thoughts were always of John. She missed his friendship, his companionship. He always had time to listen to her problems give advice or comfort when needed. She missed that. She missed him. It had been months since he turned down her advances by the riverside, but not one day went by when Abby din't stop loving the male doctor. It wasn't just some silly crush, or some desire to date the most eligible male of the ER, she really did love him. The way his eyes aprkled when he found something amusing, the way he would hold her when she was upset, the way he always seemed to find the right words to sat at the right time. It was different from the way she loved Luka. That was like the love you would have for a brother, and Abby had stupidly thought she could make herself like him in a different way. She couldn't imagine never loving John. In years time she still saw herself holding a special place for him in her heart. But what could she do? He was happily dating Susan, he didn't want her anymore, he had moved on. That was why Abby had avoided speaking to him so much, it hurt so much to know he would only ever think of her as a friend. She thought by not seeing him so often she could block the pain and manage to move on, but as each day passed she found herself wanting the caring physician even more. Sometimes I wish I hade never fallen in love with you John Carter, Abby thought to herself as a loud set of footsteps broke her out of her thoughts. A tall, male figure ran quicly down the stairs towards the young nurse, but it was only when he stood a few stairs away from her that she finally realised who he actually was.  
  
"David?" she sounded surprised as she tried to grab the man's arm to prevent him from running straight past her. But as she grabbed his arm, a gun shot rang loudly through the stairway as Abby Lockhart stumbled to the ground in a pool of blood.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Hey Frank, have you seen Susan?" John asked as he strolled leisurely into the hospital's reception, removing his long coat and placing it over his right arm.  
  
"No, I haven't seen Dr Lewis for quite some time now" Frank answered, never removing his eyes from the computer screen he was busily typing at. "I thought she was attending Dr Greene's funeral"  
  
"That's strange" John chewed his bottom lip as he tried to work out where the woman could be. "She never turned up for the funeral. And I know she wouldn't miss out on seeing goodbye to him unless there was a very good reason. You sure you haven't seen her?"  
  
"No" Frank shook his head again. "Or Dr Weaver for that matter"  
  
"How was the funeral?" Randi asked, picking up the telephone to make a call.  
  
"It was a very beautiful tribute to a wonderful man" John spoke with great honesty and emotion. His words were true though. Mark had been a great doctor, friend, father and husband. He certainly was a wonderful man. "Have you seen Abby anywhere, I needed to talk to her?"  
  
"I think she headed up to the roof, she's on break" Chuny answered handing John a chart. "Leg-lac in two and there's vomiting in curtain three" she briefly informed him of the patients awiting his medical help.  
  
"I'm on my way" John saluted in a mock gesture and headed towards the staff lounge to hang his coat up. "Damn it!" he cursed loudly as he took a couple of steps away from the reception desk.  
  
"What is it?" Chuny asked, scribbling some notes down on a chart.  
  
"I left my pager at the church"  
  
"It's okay, I'll come find you if there's any urgent traumas" Chuny reasurred him before walking down the corridor. But little did they know that an urgent trauma was awaiting their help on the rooftop......  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Where are you John?" Susan asked quietly to herself, panicking at the amount of blood Kerry had already lost. "C'mon Kerry, stay awake" she ordered forcefully, pressing her lab coat now soaked in blood tighter against the wound as she squeezed the woman's cold, limp hand. "Stay awake, help will arrive soon"  
  
Kerry tried her best to keep her eyes open, even though she could feel every last bit of strength leaving her weak body. Her face was pale and cold, and the blood had stained her short sleeved shirt red. It was a struggle to keep breathing as the pain continued to grow more and more intense. Every limb in her body ached terribly, as she continued to bleed heavily. Kerry had lost count on how many gun shot victims she had treated over the years. She knew her injuries were severe, that there was a strong likelyhood of death. But how could she die? She was only thirty-seven years old, not even half of her life had passed by her yet. As she lay there on the hard concrete grounds, it wasn't any thoughts of her partner Sandy Lopez who brought her any comfort. It was Kim Legapsi.  
  
"I'll page Abby again" Susan told her, a worried expression clearly printed on her face.  
  
Kerry grunted from the pain, trying to concentrate on her breathing, even though the breaths were slow and infrequent. Her fingers slowly slipped out of Susan's grasp as darkness overtook the injured Chief.  
  
"Kerry, Kerry!" Susan screamed in a fit of panic. "Oh god. C'mon John, we need help" she whispered softly, closing her eyes and praying for assistance. Glancing down at her blood-stained watch, she realised that Mark's funeral would have ended by now. But as she cradled the bleeding Dr Weaver in her arms, she vowed that even though she had missed out on the chance to say goodbye to a dear friend, she would save the life of a woman she had once regarded as her enemy.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Abby rolled over onto her side, noticing the blood staining her lavender scrubs wet. Breathing heavily, she gritted her teeth and tried to ignore the avalanche of pain rushing through her body. Her whole life seemed to flash before her very eyes. Her mother's illness, her brother Eric, her marriage to Richard, the abortion, the drinking, med-school, being a nurse, wanting to be a doctor, Luka, John..... John. How she wished she was there in the comfort and safety of his warm embrace. With his strong arms wrapped tightly around her, he would lean down and promise that everything would be okay. That no matter how difficult life became, they would always pull through. How she wished he was there for her. "Help me John" she cried frightened before darkness eventually overtook the female nurse.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"I only have three tickets left" Chuny threw her hands in the air as she slowly walked up the stairs with John.  
  
"Oh c'mon I asked weeks ago" John replied, trying his best to persuade the female nurse that he desrved one of the spare baseball tickets she had. "And I asked really nicely too"  
  
"No John Carter, Susan asked first!"  
  
"Ah, well, I'll try and steal it off her" John laughed cheekily as he ran a hand through his hair. "Speaking of Susan where is she?"  
  
"Maybe she took the rest of the day off, upset over Mark's funeral" Chuny suggested as they climbed the stairs at a leisurely pace.  
  
"Maybe, hey is Abby still on break?"  
  
"I haven't seen her, although she might have stopped off at psyche to check if they took up a patient of hers"  
  
"Oh god!" Carter screamed as he reached the top of the stairway, pressing his hand against his mouth in horror at the sight before him. Abby. Lying there in a pool of blood, not moving or making a sound. John couldn't believe what he was looking at, maybe his eyes were decieving him, this was just an illusion or a bad dream. Yes it's a dream, he thought with tears in his eyes. I fell asleep in the lounge and Abby will wake me up in an hour, alive and well. Ina state of utter panic and shock, he rushed over to the injured woman's side and checked for a pulse.  
  
"How....how?" Chuny shook her head in disbelief as she knelt down beside the other nurse.  
  
"Get help now!" John ordered, trying to fight back the tears that were forming at the corners of his eyes. "Now Chuny, now!" As the woman rushed back down the stairway, John sat helplessly by Abby's side, trying his best to reduce the heavy bleeding. He couldn't belive that this was happening. Not another friend attacked, surely not another death of a woman he deeply cared about. The scene was all too remiscent of Valentine's Day. But he refused to believe that Abby could die that day. She couldn't leave him, not his Abby Lockhart. Not his Abby.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Author's Notes: So, what fate awaits Abby? Will the team be able to save her in time? Will Kerry and Susan be found in time? What will happen to Kerry? Will David be caught? Tell me if you want another chapter, feedback, ideas are very, very welcome. 


	4. Of Hopes And Fears

Absence Of Fear  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Of Hopes And Fears  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters. I'm not a real doctor so any medical information could be inaccurate. I've tried to keep the trauma scenes in this chapter to a minimum as I'm not sure if people enjoy reading them or not. But some are necessary for this chapter so please bare with me. Thank you all so much for the excellent feedback, thanks!! I've tried to write this chapter up as quickly as possible for you all, so enjoy!!  
  
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"Abby, Abby can you hear me?" John cried with a look of desperation upon his face as he helped to quickly transport the injured nurse into Trauma One. "C'mon Abby, wake up!"  
  
"How long was she lying there?" Luka asked, accessing her level of conciousness.  
  
"I don't know, I just found her lying at the top of the stairway surrounded by a pool of blood" John shook his head in despair, tears forming at the corners of his eyes as he spoke. He felt so helpless standing listening to Abby's lung sounds through his stethoscope. How could this be possibly be happening? It was Abby, she of all people didn't deserve this cruel fate. The male doctor sighed loudly as he looked down at her pale, limp body. Her lavender scrubs were soaked through in her own blood and her normally bright, sparkling eyes were shut tightly as though she were fast asleep. If only she was lying in the safety and comfort of her own warm bed, he thought, squeezing her cold hand with his own. She looked so frail and innocent lying perfectly still on the cold, steel gurney. Just like a little child.  
  
"No response to command, Glasgow Coma Scale a six" Luka's thick Croatian accent broke John out of his worrying thoughts. "Start two large-bore IV's normal saline, 10 of atrophine and 5cc's bolus every two minutes"  
  
"Good breath sounds bi-laterally" Carter nodded his head as he spoke, trying to stay in a positive frame. "Lydia, are you working on her vitals?"  
  
"BP's 80/50, pulse 120" the nurse answered, reading the numbers off the various monitors her workmate was hooked up to.  
  
"get a blood gas, trauma panels and crit right away" Luka ordered as he examined the bleeding wound.  
  
"Surgery's on it's way" Jing-Mei informed the group as she rughed through the doors into the trauma room accompanied by medical student Michael Gallant.  
  
"We need an abdominal series" the Croatian attending instructed, shaking his head in confusion and shock at the whole scene. This was especially difficult for the man as it was his ex-partner lying in front of him bleeding to death. The woman he had loved, cherished, cared for and looked after. Although he had broke up with Abby almost a year ago, he still cared deeply about the woman. Maybe even a part of him still loved her. He still remembered all the tiny details that made her so special and unique. The way she would sometimes snort after laughing so much at one of his terrible jokes, the way she would bite her lower lip when matters were troubling her, the way she would wrap her rms arounf him tightly when frightened during a horror movie......there was no way he could let her die. Not when she still meant so much to him.  
  
"Get four units of O Neg in here now and hang two on the rapid infuser" John tore his eyes away from Abby to assist Luka in trying to stop the heavy bleeding. "She could have lost at least a couple of litres upstairs" he speculated, talking barely louder than a whisper.  
  
"I don't understand how this could have happened, who would want to hurt Abby, a patient?"  
  
"She was looking for some psych patient a little earlier" Haleh explained as she worked feverishly at starting the patient's IV. "It didn't make sense when the patient just seemingly disappeared from the hospital"  
  
"What the hell was she doing treating a mentally unstable patient by herself?" Carter shouted, biting his lower lip in frustration.  
  
"She was assisting Dr Weaver" Lydia replied.  
  
"Oh god" he exclaimed in sudden realisation.  
  
"What?" Luka inquired as he looked up at the other male physician.  
  
"Was Susan with Kerry?"  
  
"I think Dr Weaver went looking for her" Haleh answered, narrowing her eyes as she pondered on what John was thinking.  
  
"Take two gurneys up to the rooftop now!" he roared loudly, his voice echoing clearly across the trauma room. Please let Susan be okay, he prayed, casting his eyes back down upon Abby. Please make all three pull through.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Kerry, Kerry open your eyes!" Jing-Mei commanded as she pushed the injured physician through the doors into trauma two.  
  
"She's been unconcious for quite a while now" Susan spoke gravely as she prepared to lift Kerry onto the room's gurney. "Okay gently on my count, one, two, three!"  
  
"120 of sux, I'll intubate" Chen ordered as Conni quickly brought over the intubation tray.  
  
"Watch her bp and crit, put her on a pulse ox and hang two units of O Neg on the rapid infuser" Susan instructed, breathing heavily from shock and worry.  
  
"How the hell did soemthing like this happen?" Gallant shook his head in anguish as he tried to be helpful by watching the injured doctor's ever changing vitals closely.  
  
"Lets just concentrate on helping Dr Weaver" she replied as Jing-Mei completed the intubation. "Start a central line, sterile drip and I'll take care of the chest tube"  
  
"We need a CBC, blood gases and trauma panels" Chen added as she feverishly worked on starting the central line that would quickly administer the drugs Kerry urgently needed if there was any hope of saving her life.  
  
"BP's 90/50, pulse ox 82" Gallant's voice shouted across the room as he quickly read off the vitals from the monitors surrounding the young med- student.  
  
"Susan!" John exclaimed as he pushed open the doors and entered the trauma room. "Are...are you okay? Are you hurt? What....what the hell happened?" he asked, desperately searching for answers that would perhaps make sense of this horrible tragedy.  
  
"A patient of Weaver's forced us onto the rooftop. I was trying to reason with him when he just....he just shot her" she answered speedily, there was no time to give specific details.  
  
"Pressure's still low, she's hypotensive" Chuny informed the team.  
  
"Gice her 10 of dopamine" John instructed as he rushed over to the injured Chief's side. Her face was unrecognisable due to the pale colour speckled with a few tiny droplets of blood. Her fragile body lay perfectly still, blood soaking her clothes wet. It was hard to believe that one tiny bullet could be capable of snatching a life away so easily.  
  
"Susan are you okay?" he asked again, glancing over at Luka's attempts in the trauma room next door to stabalise Abby.  
  
"I'm fine John, go help Abby" she told him as she focused her attention back to Kerry. C'mon Kerry, don't give up, she pleaded with the injured doctor. We've come this far, don't give up hope. There's always a chance. Always.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"What on earth happened?" Donald Anspaugh exclaimed as he ran hurridly into trauma one, grabbing a pair of sterile gloves and a gown.  
  
"GSW to the lower abdomen, possible lacerations to the pancreas and liver" Luka explained as Donald joined the two male doctors by the gurney.  
  
"She's still hypotensive" Lydia shook her head worringly, still in complete shock that a fellow nurse and friend was lying before her with life- threatening injuries.  
  
"Squeeze in another milligram of dopamine and 100 of lidocaine" Carter ordered, continuing to work on stopping the internal bleeding.  
  
"Hang another two units on the rapid infuser" Luka added, biting down on his lower lip so hard that he could taste the blood in his mouth.  
  
"So why wasn't this patient put in restraints?" John inquired, trying to make sense of the horrific incident. "How did he go missing?"  
  
"I don't know John, it was Kerry who assessed him" Luka snapped, angry that the other doctor was seemingly trying to place the blame for the shooting on him.  
  
"Surely someone must have seen him wandering around the hospital with a gun in his hands!"  
  
"I never saw him, he wasn't my patient!"  
  
"Well someone must be at fault here" John tried to maintain his calmness but his emotions were starting to get the better of him. He knew he was trying to place fault on anyone because he felt guilty for not protecting her. Not looking after her properly. He cared about her more than any other person he knew, how could he have allowed her to come to harm? Now that he faced losing this wonderful woman he had grown to care about so much, he realised the truth that he had tried his best to ignore. He loved her. He truly did love Abby Lockhart.  
  
"Pressure's up to 100 systolic" Chuny tried to sound hopeful.  
  
"Start a foley and a sterile drip"  
  
"Give another milligram of atrophine" the Croatian medic instructed.  
  
At that moment Abby's eyes opened rather suddenly, blinking several times before finally focusing on John's concerned face.  
  
"Abby, Abby can you hear me?" he asked in desperation, squeezing back his tears as best as possible.  
  
"Yeh" she croaked, her eyes widening in horror as she realised what was happening all around her. At first the situation was just a blur. It seemed like a bad dream or an hallucination from a night of her excessive drinking. But as questions stormed inside of her, reality finally sank in as the young nurse realised she had been injured. Seriously injured. Breathing heavily she noticed how John never seemed to take his eyes off of her. Assessing her, staring at her, watching her ever so closely. As he watched her she could clearly see the concern and fear in his eyes. The exact same fear and concern that he had saw in her eyes when it was John lying on this gurney on Valentines Day. How their roles had been reversed.  
  
"Do you remember what happened?" a familiar, deep voice asked from behind.  
  
Squinting her eyes she managed to make out Luka's tall figure, the strong, intense light above the gurney reflecting upon her eyes as she stared at him.  
  
"It...it happened....so fast" she explained, closing her small almond shaped eyes.  
  
"Shhhh, it's okay Abby" John comforted her, smiling bravely at his dear friend. "it's okay, I promise"  
  
"Damn it" Luka cursed as the monitors began bleeping wildly, the loud noise piercing through the room.  
  
"What....what is it?" Abby's eyes widened in horror as she heard the high pitched whispers of the doctors around her. "What's happening?"  
  
"She's bleeding out" Donald spoke gravely as the three man exchanged worried glances. "Hang another unit on the rapid infuser, I'm taking her upstairs now!"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Okay, what's the big emergency?" Robert asked sarcastically as he strolled leisurely into the trauma room. "Do I require the interruption of my coffee break simply to patch up some gang-banger?"  
  
"It's Kerry" Susan spoke gravely as she looked up at him, her eyes weary and rather blood-shot.  
  
"Oh....god" he swallowed, allowing the shock to sink in as he watched the team work on Kerry's motionless body. This couldn't possibly be happening again, the hospital couldn't lose another one of it's own. "How much blood lost?" he demanded to know, grabbing a gown and a pair of sterile gloves as he took charge of the awful situation.  
  
"300cc's in the chest tray, could have lost another 2000 before help arrived" Susan answered.  
  
"Looks like the bullet might have hit the kidney" Robert spoke aloud as he examined the source of the bleeding. "It could have travelled to the spleen or stomach"  
  
"Pressure's down to 60" Gallant informed the team. "She's throwing PVC's"  
  
"Another amp of epi" Jing-Mei ordered. "6 milligrams of adenosine, IV push"  
  
"Lost the pulse!"  
  
"Starting compressions" Susan informed everyone as she proceeded to press her hands down on Kerry's chest in a desperate bid to save thier Chief. The life of the woman they had all once despised lay in their hands now.  
  
"Push another 100 of lidocaine" Robert shouted across the room at the nurses, glancing up at the monitors as he continued to inspect and work on the bleeding wound. "Call upstairs and book an OR as well"  
  
"V-Fib!" Chen yelled as the dreaded sound of a flatline echoed painfully through the tense atmosphere of the room.  
  
"Paddles now" Robert motioned for the particular piece of equipment to be handed to him. "Charge to 200" Glancing up at Susan, he caught her worried stare as she watched him clutch the paddles tightly in his sweating, blood-stained gloves. Don't leave us Kerry, he pleaded with the injured woman lying before him. He would do everything for her that he couldn't do for Lucy Knight. He would make sure she pulled through safely. "Clear!"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Did you call the OR in advance?" Donald asked as he helped manoever the gurney through the emergency department towards the elevators.  
  
"They have a room ready" Haleh replied as she clutched the large, heavy drug box in her hands.  
  
"You're going to be okay Abby, everything will be just fine" John tried his best to reassure the injured woman as she looked at him with fear and panic in her eyes. "You're a survivor, just hang in there"  
  
"We'll take it from here Dr Carter" Donald held his hand out to prevent John from entering the elevator.  
  
"I want to scrub in" he replied, determined to stay by Abby's side.  
  
"Susan needs our help, c'mon Carter" Luka tried to pull the stubborn doctor away.  
  
"Go help the others" Donald ordered as the elevator doors shut tightly, blocking John's sight of Abby.  
  
"No, no I'm not leaving her side" he shook his head before sprinting in the direction of the stairs. But as he turned round, he suddenly caught sight of a very familiar face entering through the doors of the hospital........  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Authors Notes: So, what will happen to Kerry now that her life is in even more danger? Will Abby make it through her surgery safely? Will she learn of John and Luka's feelings towards her? And who exactly was that familiar face entering the hospital? Tell me if you want another chapter, feedback very welcome!! 


	5. Second Chances

Absence Of Fear Chapter 5 Second Chances  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters. Thank you very much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and to everyone who has reviewed this fic so far. The feedback has been very positive, and I'm glad you are all enjoying the story. Sorry this chapter has taken so long, hope it doesn't spoil the enjoyment. So here's chapter 5, enjoy!!! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time.... It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other" ( Leo F. Buscaglia ) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Dr Legaspi?" John looked straight at the female psychiatrist in shock and amazement. "Um....you're Dr Carter, correct?" she asked the man his name politely. "Yeh" he nodded, rubbing the back of his aching neck with his left hand. "What are you doing here, I thought you had left County for good?" "I heard about Kerry" she answered quietly, tears forming at the corners of her red, puffy eyes. Dark shadows encircled those bloodshot eyes, allowing John to quickly guess she had been crying her heart out over the horrible incident. "It's been all over the news" she explained, wiping away the tiny tear that trickled down her tanned cheeks and trying to put on a brave face. "They're still working on her in a trauma room" the male doctor told her as he led her towards the waiting area near reception. "How severe are her injuries?" Kim inquired as she sat down on the edge of a chair, desperate for news on Kerry's condition. "It's too early to say" he finally replied after a long pause of silence. "How severe?" she demanded to know. "Please tell me" "Dr Weaver's in a pretty bad condition at the moment" "Oh god" Kim shook her head in disbelief, raising her trembling hands to cover her mouth. "This...this can't be happening" "I know just how you feel" John comforted her by wrapping his arm lightly around her shoulders. "I know exactly how you feel" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Clear!" Robert yelled loudly as he lowered the paddles held tightly in his swaeting hands into contact with Kerry's chest. "Still in V-Fib!" Gallant informed the group worringly as he continued to watch over the monitors surrounding him. "Charge to 300, clear!" the male surgeon commanded as he continued to lead their desperate attempts to save the woman lying in front of them. Ever since he had strolled into the trauma room and caught sight of Weaver upon the gurney, he had been racked with an immense sense of guilt. Guilt for every cruel word he had spoken to her, guilt for discriminating her sexuality, guilt for acting so coldly towards her. But most of all, guilt for not protecting her. She was an employee, a colleague, a member of his staff. He hadn't prevented the brutal stabbing of Lucy and he certainly hadn't prevented this brutal attack. Even though he would never admit it, he did care about Kerry Weaver. He admired the way she challenged his authority, that she wouldn't allow herself to be pushed over by him. He couldn't just let her die. He wouldn't just let her die. "Charge again" he instructed Chuny. "Clear!" "Sinus tach" Susan smiled positively as she looked up at the monitor. "Check the pressure" Chen spoke as she quielty sighed in relief that their Chief was still alive. "Pulse ox 92, pressure is 90 systolic" Gallant replied. "Hook her up to a portable monitor, I'm taking her to the OR now" Robert began to manoveure the gurney out of the trauma room and through the ER. "Hang another unit on the rapid infuser, page Lizzie too" "We'll have the type specific blood sent upstairs" Susan assured him as a tall woman sprinted towards the moving gurney. "Kerry, oh god Kerry!" Kim screamed in horror as she reached over to touch Kerry's hand, walking beside the other two doctors as they approached the elevators. "Legaspi?" Robert sounded surprised as his eyes widened in shock at seeing the doctor he perviously fired from the hospital almost a year ago. "How could you allow this to happen?" she screamed angrily at him, grabbing his arm and leading him to the side as Susan and Chuny wheeled the unconcious Kerry onto the elevator. "You are supposed to ensure a safe workplace for your employees, how could you allow Kerry to get hurt?" "I didn't know this was going to happen!" Robert shook his head in defence, trying his best to control his temper. "Maybe if you weren't so busy firing your staff for no reason, you could spend time on improving safety!" "Listen Kim......" "No I will not listen!" she threw her hands in the air in a fit of anger and frustration. "For once in your life you will listen to me! If anything happens to Kerry, anything at all.....I'm holding you responsible" she warned the male surgeon before following John to the stairs. Robert stood still for a moment, contemplating the woman's fierce words. Never in his life had he stood back and allowed anyone to threaten him like such. Normally he would deliver his own form of revenge to remind the person in question exactly who was in charge. But a part of him did feel guilty for the awful shooting. Perhaps if he did stop for a minute to think of his employees safety, he could prevent such tragedies. Despite their daily arguments and clashes, Robert held a great amount of respect and admiration for Kerry Weaver. He wouldn't let fate cruelly snatch her life away like it did young Lucy Knight's. He was determined to save the female physician. At any cost. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Metz!" Donald shouted as he worked feverishly on controlling Abby's internal bleeding. "How is her pressure?" "Pressure's up to 80, pulse ox up to 92" David Babcock answered, hanging another unit of blood up on the rapid infuser. "Kidney is in tact" Dale Edson noted as he assisted Anspaugh. "Suction please" "Small exit wound to the pancreas, I need a 4-0 prolene on an r.b - 1 needle" "Run in another amp of epi" Dale instructed one of the surgical nurses beside him. "Give her another milligram of atrophine" "Okay I've repaired the liver and I'm now working on the pancreas" Donald muttered, sewing the hemorrage carefully. "We'll need to run the bowel again" Dale watched the other surgeon sew carefully. "It seems Miss Lockhart has been very fortunate, the bullet doesn't seem to have caused any massive injuries" Anspaugh sounded positive. "Should make a full recovery" Edson replied as he looked up to catch a glimpse of John watching the surgery from behind the OR doors. Watching and praying for his Abby to pull through. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Suction" Robert ordered as he continued to operate on the injured Kerry with the assistance of Elizabeth. "Large exit wound to the liver, I need a G.1 needle now" the English surgeon asked for the much needed equipment to be handed to her. "Angle potts, I need to cut down on the bleeding!" "How exactly did this happen?" Elizabeth asked, shaking her head in disbelief at the tragic situation. "God knows" Robert mumbled under his breath as he glanced over at Kerry's pale, emotionless face. "It doesn't make any sense" "Robert there's an exit wound to the colon. Bullet must have travelled down a vein" Elizabeth informed him loudly, breaking the surgeon out of his deep thoughts. "More lap pads then, we need to cut down on this massive blood loss" "Hang another unit on the rapid infuser" Elizabeth instructed as the monitors around Kerry suddenly began to bleep wildly, the peiercing noise echoing across the OR for all to hear. "BP's falling, 70/60!" Shirley yelled, keeping watch over the monitors surrounding her. "Dammit she could be throwing a major clot!" Robert cursed as he exchanged worried glances with the female surgeon standing opposite him. "Start a heparin drip and prep me for a thoracotomy, stat!" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ John tapped his foot against the concrete pavement as he inhaled the sweet nicotine of the cigarette he raised carefully towards his mouth. He had been sitting in the quiet ambulance bay for almost half an hour now, reflecting on the events of the past couple of hours. Reflecting on how he almost lost the woman he chersihed most in this world. The male doctor closed his eyes in anguishb as he raised his head and felt the tiny droplets of rain fall from the grey skies above onto his nose and eyelids. "Surely you realise it's raining?" a female voice chirped as he turned around to meet Susan's warm smile. "You'll catch your death out here" she laughed lightly, trying to remain upbeat "The flu is nothing compared to the physical pain Abby has to endure" he shook his head and ran a hand through his damp hair. "Will you listen to yourself?" the female medic exclaimed as she wrapped her arms tightly around her body in a bid to stay warm. "We all feel guilty for what has happened John, but we don't mope around feeling sorry for ourselves!" "I didn't ask for a lecture Susan" he snapped back angrily, throwing the cigarette to the ground in fury. "How can you possibly begin to understand how I'm feeling at the moment, I lo........" he suddenly stopped talking, tearing his eyes away from Susan and biting his lower lip. "You lover her" Susan finished, correctly guessing the words he couldn't manage to speak aloud. "Yes" he whispered, nodding his head in agreement. "I love her" "Then tell her. When she wakes up tell her how much you truly care about her" "I can't" John replied rather sadly, rubbing his aching forehead irritably with his freezing hand. "You can't or you're too frightened to?" Susan inquired, narrowing her eyes at the man sitting beside her. "She doesn't love me half as much as what I love her. I need Abby more than she'll ever need me. It's Luka she truly wants to be with, and I don't want to play the role of the substitute for him" he spat. "And where exactly does Luka fit into this situation?" "She only seeked my friendship when she experienced troubles in her relationship with Kovac. I poured my heart out to her one day but yet she still went home to Luka that night. But when they break up she then decides to ask me out, even though she spent the day making a fuss over his new relationship with Nicole. When her neighbour attacked her it was Luka she went to live with, but when I tried to reach out to her because of her drink addiction she turned me away. I'm nice to have around when troubles arise with Luka, but I'm not who she really wants to be with" "If you love her she deserves to know" the female doctor spoke quietly, shivering slightly from the icy rain that fell freely from the dark skies above. "You can't even begin to imagine how happy she makes me" he continued. "When I'm with her I feel complete, whole. When we argue or distant with one another I feel as though a part of me is missing. I can't imagine never loving her. I can't imagine life without her. I don't want to. Nearly losing her today made me realise just how much I need her" "If you can't see that it's you she wants John then you are blind" Susan simply stated as she stood up. "You nearly lost her once today, don't make the same mistake again" "What about us though?" Carter asked, finally looking the woman straight in the eye instead of staring at the concrete pavement below his feet. "There never was an us. And there never will be either. We both know we mistook feelings of friendship and companionship as something more. I care about you, but I can see now it's Abby you belong with" "Still friends though?" he flashed a friendly smile. "We always will be" she laughed, kissing him lightly on the forehead. "Providing you don't hand me any more cases of projectile vomiting" John laughed merrily as he watched Susan walk back towards the hospital entrance and out of his sight. As soon as she was out of view, his thoughts immediately turned back to a certain nurse. As he closed his eyes and pictured her precious face, Susan's voice echoed clearly in his mind. Tell her. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Pressure's down to 60, pulse ox 72!" Shirley shouted above the the sound of the bleeping monitors. "She's in tamponade, we need to crack the chest" Elizabeth stated as she poured a plentiful supply of Betadine over the patient's chest. "No carotid pulse" Kit informed as she proceeded to begin chest compressions on Kerry's small, lifeless body. "Push in another amp of epi" Robert instructed as he picked up the sternal saw from the tray beside him. "Go!" Elizabeth nodded as she finsihed making an incision down Weaver's chest. A wave of nausea passed over the English woman as she watched Robert perform the gruesome yet essential action. Watching the man carefully, she could clearly see how hard it was for him to control his emotions. This was a fellow doctor they were cutting open, a friend and collegue. She had only spoken to Kerry that very morning on the telephone, how could they now be opening her chest a few hours later? "Rib spreader!" "Start internal compressions" Robert motioned to Kit as Elizabeth inspected the chest. "We've definately got a few clots here" "Side-biting clamp" he ordered as he tried to suck out the life threatening blood clots. "Scalpel" "Pulse ox is 65 on 100 percent oxygen" Shirley shook her head worringly, fully knowing how grave a situation this was for Dr Weaver. "She's still not oxygenating" "Suction" Corday called for the piece of equipment. "V-Fib!" the nurse screamed in a panic, the monitors bleeping furiously around the team. "Internal paddles now" Robert bit down on his lower lip, trying to stay as calm and focused as possible. "Charge to 30, clear!" "Still in V-Fib" Elizabeth shook her head. "Another amp of epi" "100 of lidocaine, charge to 30. Clear!" "Nothing" "Pressure's down to 60!" Shirley informed. "Charge again" Robert looked straight up at Liz with tears in his eyes. The situation was just all too painfully familiar for the pair. "Clear!" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Dr Anspaugh!" John called out the surgeon's name as he quickly sprinted down the corridor to catch up with the man. "How is Abby?" "Very well" he answered, watching the younger doctor sigh with relief at his words. "It took a while to control the bleeding and her pancreas and liver was damaged, but she came out of surgery very well indeed" "That's......that's brilliant" John smiled happily, pleased and relieved to hear that his dear friend would recover. "Can I see her now?" "She's extubated in recovery at the moment" Donald pointed toward the large room. "She's very tired so try not to stay there for too long, she needs plenty of rest" "Thank you" he patted the surgeon lightly on the shoulder, taking a deep breath before heading in the direction of the room. Heading in the direction of Abby. It's now or never, he thought nervously. I have to tell her the truth. I have to. Donald watched the man enter the room before beginning his journey across the surgical floor towards the reception desk. "Excuse me" a quiet female voice called as the surgeon turned round to realise a small, dark haired woman was standing directly behind him. "Were you the doctor working on my daughter?" "Yes, and you are?" "Oh I'm sorry, I'm Maggie Wyzensci" she answered politely. "Abby Lockhart's mother" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Author's Notes: So how will Abby react when she discovers her mother has turned up? Will Kerry survive the latest setback in her surgery or will the actions of Robert and Elizabeth fail to save her? Will Carter finally tell Abby how he feels about her, how will she react? Will Kim live out her threat to Robert? If you want me to continue just say, all feedback and reviews greatly appreciated. 


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